I've been unhappy for a few years now, and it's been getting steadily worse, even after the birth of our child. I feel as though this unhappiness is linked both to living in France and to several aspects of my relationship. For the past year or better, I think about moving back to the US all of the time. In France, I have been unable to get motivated enough to work, I have 'let go' all of my friendships, and am unable to find interest in any activities. (This is untypical of the 'American me', who had a healthy social life, activities, and a generally upbeat perspective on things... )

I feel as though my time in France is 'up'. My concern is for our child (bilingual with dual citizenship). Should I try harder, even feeling as though I've given everything I could as it is, as little as it may seem? Has anyone else been in this situation? I would appreciate any remarks... My gut feeling tells me that I need to be back in the US, but is that enough?

Thank you.

The father of my child consulted a lawyer to obtain full custody of our son, behind my back. I panicked, because I didn't want this to happen... I was prepared to "give" him custody, probably because I was feeling guilty about "breaking up the family," as I was told.

I couldn't live without my son, and after many veiled threats and hints about the unhappiness of my son, I came back to Paris in the end of October. (I was otherwise very happy in the US.) I've been suffering since I came back, and last night I announced to the father that I no longer want to live here, and that this time, I want my son with me in the US. We'll see what happens...

As for the United States being this plastic, artificial world... I am conscious that no matter where in the world one is, there are up's and down's to the lifestyle and culture. I was born and raised in the US, and was educated by my parents not to fall into the captialist-spending-Disneyland stereotype of the United States. I am not worried about this aspect of the US... I am worried about the well-being of my son.

Vivienne, thank you. I was beginning to feel really alone here! I realize that my decision will affect everyone, especially my son, but I hope that in the long-term, I will be able to give him a better life, and a better mother. I was really hoping that someone who had been in my situation would respond, but I guess this is not your everyday predicament, either!

I know I'll get through this...

If you are unhappy, even depressed, and it's not as if you have just moved to France, it can't be good for your child. As someone whose parents divorced, I understand what it is like not to have your parents together. Yet the psychological state of the mother, particularly when your child is so young and reliant on you, is paramount. Perhaps you are feeling it is time to go back because you are tapping into what is best for you AND your son.

If you return to US and find it was a mistake, you can always go back. But to try and to be miserably unhappy is not a good environment for a child.

So I say trust your feelings. They will tell you if it is time to change tack again. The worst thing is depression and stagnation. We learn from mistakes but we don't learn from not really living.

Even if you manage to bypass these hallmarks of American life, you will, as a previous writer posted, be witness and/or participant to our downwardly mobile society. Ready?

Why not check out Southern France or another part of the world, or see a shrink? But seriously, if you come back, don't bring your stuff with you just yet...

America is OK for kids if you can afford a private school like St. Alban's (where Clinton's daughter went). Otherwise it can be rapidly downwardly mobile.

There's love -- and then there's life. Just because you ask to be married doesn't mean you're a prisoner in France. In fact, it means you gain some significant rights regarding your child.

My inclination is to put the bastard on the spot. If he refuses, go home and let him raise the kid. You've painted yourself in a corner to some extent but you don't have to stay there. You might end up with some paint on your tennies though.

-- David

-- David

Yes, my unmarried status has always been an issue; it's a battle I've yet to win. Though today, I no longer feel like fighting it, because as an idealist and romantic, I want to marry out of love and not simply because it seems like the thing to do, or to solidify an always-rocky relationship. If I were married, I probably wouldn't even be seriously considering this issue. I'm not, though, and I don't want to marry now just because it's a way to 'keep me' in France.

I think it was my father who told me that 'as far away as you go, you can never get away from yourself'. I believe it, but I feel so much more capable of dealing with my problems and issues here in the US, with the support of my family and some very old and dear friends... I've always felt weak and afraid in France--this started just a few months after I got there. For seven years I've been toughing it out, trying to figure out what I'm fighting to achieve. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I needed to make a detour via France in order to find myself and to understand the importance of friends, family, and roots.

My son is the issue. Everyday my conviction that I need to be in the US is getting stronger. It's a gut feeling... I need to know how this decision could affect my son's life. Funny, I always saw myself working, married, and with children--and in that order. Well, it didn't happen that way, so why should I continue to pursue that line of thinking? I don't want my son (and perhaps future children) to say to me in twenty years, 'I feel bad that you stayed in France with Dad all of these years, being so unhappy here and with him. I feel bad that you suffered all of these years just because of me.' A lot of couples stay together for the children's sake...

Oh, what do I know? When I decided to move over to France, everyone told me not to... Moving back seems to be raising the same reaction (against it). Is everyone supposed to stay put in life?

Thanks for your input!

I think there is such a thing as the "7 year itch" and that such pauses and periods of reflection are normal in life. Yet, I must say that my 63-years of experience have taught me that it doesn't much matter where I go because I will always be there. One doesn't drop one's problems; one carries them around. The trick is to carry them more lightly and be happy with very minor victories.

You didn't mention it much but I have a completely unsupported intuition that you might feel more solid if your "partner" married you. If there is any truth to this, you might just back him into a corner and explain to him that you are the mother of his son and in your culture one usually legitimizes such relations.

-- David

I did think I only needed a cure to recharge my American batteries, so to speak. Now, I'm dreading going back, and despite the economy (sucks), job situation (sucks), the blissful ignorance (sometimes charming but often annoying), I can see such a wonderful future for myself here. I feel like the missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle have been put back into place... I feel like I've been losing these pieces bit by bit for seven years now. It feels great to have them back. I feel like I can conquer the world! (This is a feeling I get each time I come back to the US, and that I have lost each time I have returned to France.)

My primary concern is for my child, who has grown up in France and who is very much loved by both his French and American families and friends. Is he better off have a basket-case though present mother, or doing school years there and summers here (or vice versa), away from me for long periods, but knowing I'm feeling good about myself? I think of all of these people who feel guilty that their parents just stayed together for their sake, instead of pursuing their own lives and fulfilling themselves... They say children adapt, but 'children' in a general sense aren't my son...

Thanks for your input! :-)

If you have lost interest in doing things maybe you are having a bout of depression. Things in the US are not going to be as you remember. We are heading into a recession and it is hard to find work. Also there is a conservative movement underway that makes life here feel very controlled and moving a bit backwards. The media is controlling the way we raise our kids, the prescriptions we take, and how we should think now more than ever. Perhaps a trip home would be good before you commit to moving.

Just my thoughts...

i think we also view our lives in our 'home; country with rose coloured glasses, forgetting the daily irritations and problems there.

this is a wonderful opportunity for you and your son, something i think we only realise when we look back ..... I have been back in the UK for nearly 10 years ,we now have a 6 year old daughter and have just bought a property in the Var (near Brignoles) where we are going to spend as much time as we can. if you would like to email me further please do so allie x

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